(last edited on April 7, 2006)
Dear E___ P_____,
Hello, and welcome back to this great little hamlet here in ___. I'm sure you missed us. I wish we could say the same, but we're not going to lie like you just did. Be honest. You'd rather still be on vacation, wouldn't you? That's what I thought. I often think about why we say, "That's what I thought," when we still think it. That's why I just said, "I often think…" At least, that's what I thought. I wonder if Renee Descartes is now saying something like, "I thought, therefore, I was." But I don't think Descartes is saying much of anything anymore. You know, Mel often says that I don't say much of anything anymore. Then I make fun of her, and she tells me to shut-up. That's why I don't say much of anything anymore. You know, Mel from "Alice" used to tell people to shut-up all the time. But that Mel was a man and he was fat, too. I know a few fat people. They're all overweight. That's why I firmly believe there's a connection between being fat and being overweight. Maybe I could get a scientist to investigate the matter. My mother is a scientist. I found out that other people have mothers, too. Most of them have mothers who are women. Some of the people who have women for mothers are women, too. Some are men. But none of the men have men for mothers. They all tend to have men for fathers. At a church I know of they have Fathers. But they all took a vow of chastity, so I don't understand how they can be Fathers. Most of the Fathers who took a vow of chastity are called priests, but none of the other fathers are. So maybe it's cool to take a vow of chastity, because then you can be in with the "In" crowd. I've heard of women who take vows of chastity, but they don't call them priests. They usually call them weird. I wonder if a woman priest would be called a Mother. That's what they call Mother Theresa. Does that mean she's a woman priest? Somebody once called Madonna a "Mother," too. They said another word after that, but I don't think that it had anything to do with her being a woman priest; if it did, then I guess it meant that Madonna didn't have to take that vow of chastity to be a Mother after all. When you break the word "Mother" down, you get "moth-er." Is that someone who moths? I guess that means to be a mother you have to put mothballs in with your wardrobe. I once put mothballs in with some clothes. Does that make me a Mother? I never took a vow of chastity, though, so I guess that means I'm like Madonna. In fact, you could say Madonna and I are just two Mothers. But I still don't get how Madonna can be a mother, because I don't think she needs to put mothballs in with her wardrobe. I've never seen moths that can eat metal. I once saw a person who could eat metal. He died. I heard it was something he ate. I wonder if they ever did find his missing car? I'll bet that losing your car would really stink. It probably would be worse than getting lost in your car, because at least when you know where your car is when you get lost. You know, you'd have to have an awfully big car to get lost in it. Maybe that's why they're making cars more compact these days: so people won't get lost as much. I've never even once gotten lost while driving, but that's really not that impressive because I don't drive. I'd like to get my license, though. My dog had a license. He had one since he was a puppy. How come dogs get to drive when they're young but people have to wait until they're sixteen? Of course, in dog years, a dog only has to be 2.285714285714 years old to be 16 in people years. So I guess I'm cool with that. I've often wondered why we measure large amounts of time in people years when dog years would make the numbers less of a handle. I mean, instead of saying something cumbersome like, "The Earth is believed to have formed 4.5 billion years ago," we could say a much smaller, easier to handle, and overall simpler number like, "The Earth is believed to have formed 0.6428571428571 billion dog years ago." I think dog numbers would make things simpler. I mean, instead of saying, "I have to go at 12:00," I could say, "I have to go at 1:01190476190477 Eastern Standard Dog Time (ESDT)." Of course, if you were on the West coast, you'd have to say 1:0047619047619 (PSDT). I think the West coast is cool. I also think that's where the next American Civil War will be, though, because I always here people talking about California breaking away because of a really big earthquake that's going to happen. I think people in California should grow up! Do they really think the government can control seismic activity or tectonic stress? The government can't control stress. Nobody can control your stress. That's a matter of changing your lifestyle. If you're so stressed out that you're going to cause an earthquake, then I think you should move out of California, because they have enough earthquakes there as it is. Los Angeles is in California. So is LA. I'll bet mail-carriers get confused when people abbreviate Los Angeles, cause then they're not sure where to deliver the letter. That must stress them out. But mail-carriers don't cause earthquakes when they're stressed out; they're much more considerate and just shoot people. At least they don't cause mass destruction, like everyone else out there! We should all learn to be more like the mail-carriers. A lot of people might get shot, but there will be a lot less earthquakes, and maybe then California won't break away, because if it did and there was another Civil War, think of how many people would get shot then! I think Sarah Brady must not like California very much. I've often wondered; is Sarah Brady the long-lost daughter from "The Brady Bunch?" I think that everyone from "The Brady Bunch" was pretty much long lost. I heard they made a Brady Bunch movie. They probably filmed it out in Hollywood. Did you know that Hollywood used to be called Hollywoodland? But the famous letters spelling Hollywoodland were so cheaply constructed that part of it fell off, sort of like John Wayne Bobbit. That reminds me of another movie filmed in Hollywood: "Edward Scissorhands." "Edward Scissorhands" was a real sleeper. So was Bobbit, I guess, because he didn't even feel anything until he woke up hours later. I get upset when I'm startled awake; imagine how he must have felt. I'll bet what really made things bad was the fact that he probably had to go to the bathroom after his full-night's rest. Now how was he supposed to take care of his urge to purge? Lorena said she didn't even realize what she was doing at the time. I'd like to know just what it was that she did think she was doing. Maybe she thought she was clipping coupons. She probably figured the whole thing out at the store when the clerk said, "I'm sorry, we don't accept that here." Police say that she drove away with her cut and tossed it out the car window into the field. Police later charged her with littering. I'll bet she's going to have a tough time with a littering charge on her permanent record. John Bobbit is having a tough time, too. His new girlfriend tried to run him down in a car. I guess she thought hacking it off again would be in poor taste. Maybe she didn't understand Bobbit. I guess that's two people who don't understand him, but that's okay because a lot of people had a hard time understanding Edward Scissorhands from "Edward Scissorhands," too. I bet having scissorhands would make it really hard to blow up a balloon. I used to have a hard time blowing up a balloon until I realized that you were supposed to stretch it first, so it could expand with relative ease. I'll bet that's why so many athletes get fat when they're older; they've been stretching so much that they, too, expand with relative ease. Of course, if they didn't have any relatives, they couldn't do anything at all with relative ease, so they can stretch all they like. That's probably why Gumby was so malleable; he could stretch himself because he had no relatives. He did have Pokey, but he doesn't count because he was a horse and therefore could not be of relation. Well, maybe he could have been. That certainly would have been interesting. I think all horses are interesting. Back in colonial times, horses walked around on streets with people in them (the street, not the horse). The horses actually had more rights than the people! The people weren't allowed to crap in the streets like the horses could. Dogs today can relieve themselves publicly, though. Of course, if you're in New York, you have to carry a pooper-scooper to clean up after your dog. If you aren't walking a dog, though, then you don't have to carry a pooper-scooper, because that would be stupid. I wonder if colonial dogs were allowed to go in the streets. Public defecation has always fascinated me. I wonder: if a person went to the bathroom in a public outhouse, and the walls collapsed and everyone could see in, could the guy be arrested for public defecation? Of course, if I were a cop, I wouldn't want to get very close to the guy, because it would probably smell pretty bad. My locker also smells pretty bad. I guess I should take that rotting banana out. King Kong liked bananas, but he probably didn't like the rotting ones. Actually, he probably doesn't really like the other bananas, because he isn't real. At least, that's what people tell me. But I don't believe everything that people tell me. For instance, the other day, people told me that most guys take a sharpened blade, called a razor, and scrape it down their face until they rip all of their facial hair off! Insane, isn't it? I told them they were feeding me a street-full of legalized horse crap. People also want to legalize drugs. This I don't understand; if drugs are illegal, then how come cops don't bust all of those stores with the really big "Drugs" signs on them? I mean, come on! There literally is a big neon sign telling them where to go! A lot of people would be happy to tell them where to go. A lot of people are happy to tell me where to go. They won't tell me how to get there, though. And no matter how much I look at any map, I can't find my destination. I guess it's an exclusive place. Maybe they're filled to capacity. One time I saw a pool that was filled to capacity. I took a picture, but then I lost the camera. No one ever told me I wasn't supposed to take it with me off the diving board. I'll bet that guy who got nailed by the camera ruined my filmed when he smashed the thing. Some people are so inconsiderate! You know who else is inconsiderate, is that Pope John Paul. When he comes to America, does he drive around normally like everyone else? Nooooooooo. He rides his Pope-mobile around major cities and blocks off the roads. Think of the traffic problems he causes! I tell you, people like him are so unaware of the world's problems. That's probably why he drives around in a bullet-proof car; all of those people from California who have to take the detour because of him want to shoot him to relieve their stress, because they figure shooting a religious leader to keep themselves from getting so stressed out that they secede is okay. Maybe Quebec wanted to secede because they were stressed out, too. Obviously, Canada has a superior government because they were able to vote down having an earthquake rip Quebec away. Here in the States, we have no control over the earthquakes. We could learn a lot from them. I've often wondered; if the South seceded before the Civil War, how did we reattach them when it was over? I bet that's what the Mason-Dixon line is: the place where they superglued the states back together. That must be mighty powerful superglue. One time I saw an ad for superglue where they attached seven elephants, trunk-to-tail, with superglue across the Grand Canyon. I just want to know who was the grand idiot that came up with that idea. Just think; one mess-up and you'd have to go out and get seven more elephants. What a waste of money. I'd like to know what they did with those elephants when they were done. That's sort of like how I wonder what they do with the rest of the milk in the milk ads when they're done. I mean, they start to sip it, the commercial ends, and then what? Do they finish drinking it, or do they throw it out? I stay up nights wondering about that. Actually, I heard that they don't drink real milk on those commercials. They drink a white liquid paste that looks more palatable on camera. Sometimes I think that they get things screwed up and drink the milk on camera while giving us the paste. At least, that's what they do with our unpalatable school food. Gary Larson once said that grubs were more palatable than maggots, but he also said that he didn't mean palatable in the edible sense. That's a relief, cause otherwise that would mean what he said was weird. A lot of people say weird things. For instance, the other day someone told me to take my Shaggy Dog Story and do with it something that is anatomically impossible. Boy, was that person stupid! Speaking of my shaggy dog, whose name is Really Shaggy Dog, and also of stupid people, Melissa, Nicole, Beth, and who knows who else were involved in a conspiracy in which they kidnapped my shaggy dog and were demanding a ransom. Of course, those people have no lives and therefore must entertain themselves with petty forestallances of their first intelligent thought by mindless blubbering meanderings such as this. Their parents entertain themselves by trying to sell their worthless progeny; unfortunately, they have come to realize that, not only can't they find anyone dumb enough to pay money for them, but they will actually need to pay out large sums of cash to get people to take them away. Many people often pay out large sums of cash. That's a bad thing to do, unless you happen to be a powerful government. Then deficit spending becomes okay. I've often thought: wouldn't it be cool if the banks foreclosed on the government? Then the government would have to liquidate everything! Just think, we could buy the Statue of Liberty at an auction! Someone once bought the London Bridge at an auction. He moved it to Arizona. I'll bet he gets pretty miffed when kids sing, "London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down…" Why do they call it London Bridge if it's in Arizona? If aliens came down and saw that, they would think that humanity was really stupid and then kill us all with some horrible spores. You know, everybody thinks that spores are a bad thing, but if we didn't have spores, then where would we get mushrooms? Of course, I don't like mushrooms, not even on pizza, so I guess spores are pretty bad after all. I do, however, like cheese on pizza, but that's nothing amazing, unless you've been living in a cave for your whole life. But, then again, if you were living in a cave for your whole life, you'd have probably developed a taste for spores by now. I once knew a guy that lived in a cave his entire life. He didn't say much—only, "Turn down those freaking lights!" The easiest way to turn down a light, without turning it off, is to use a light output controller, or dimmer, if you will. I have a dimmer in my dining room. That way I can get mood lighting, or I can turn the thing up really bright and get a tan. But I've found a much better way to get a tan. Just look in a Crayola Crayon box; there's always a tan to be found in there. But you can't use a dimmer on a Crayola box. Of course, my dining room light doesn't have a crayon sharpener, so I guess they're pretty much even. I've often wondered if a crayon sharpener would sharpen a pencil, or if a pencil sharpener would sharpen a crayon. But I don't dare try it, because there are probably laws about doing that sort of thing. There are laws about doing other things, too, like milking a cow without a license. I probably wouldn't milk a cow even if I did have a license. I've often wondered if really thin cows give us skim milk. I've noticed something, however, in my bovine research; cows must reproduce asexually. Think about it—have you ever seen a male cow? Nope, they're all females. Bulls also reproduce asexually, because they're all male. I wonder if anyone ever thought of breeding bulls and cows together? But that probably wouldn't work. Something else that doesn't work is trying to play a CD in a cassette deck. It just won't work. Go figure. I do like to figure things, like math problems, or why they say they're going to "take" your picture. They don't really take anything of yours, so why do they say "take?" They also say "take" in the movie industry. The number of the take is the number of times they have filmed that particular scene. They record the take on a clapboard. They call it a clapboard (or clapstick for the numb of mind) because they use its clapping noise to synchronize the video and audio tracks. I think that's cool. I also think the light in the refrigerator is cool. I've often wondered whether or not it stays on when I close the refrigerator door. I open and close that dang thing as fast as I can to see if I can catch it off guard, but to no avail. Alas, my conclusion is that there are really tiny yet fast people who live inside the refrigerator, and they turn the light on and off whenever they feel they are endangered by the opening of what to them is "The Great Door." I once knew a really tiny yet fast person. He got stepped on. I guess he wasn't that fast after all. A lot of ants get stepped on. I wonder if the uncles mind. I have uncles. They have ulcers. I'm often told the two are connected, whatever that means. The mean is the arithmetical average. Being mean is calling someone below average. Therefore, Pre-Calc does have practical applications. I have never tried practice applications of make-up. Why do they call it Pre-Calc if we use calculators? That one keeps me up at night. So does coffee. Maybe you're not supposed to drink it before going to bed. I wouldn't know because I don't drink coffee. Neither does my family, and they should know, because they're real coffee connoisseurs. That there was a paradox. So would be two doctors. Yes, a pair-of-docs is always confusing. But, then again, you don't have to wait for a second opinion. That reminds me of a joke. Of course, so does everything else. Here it is: Guy walks into a doctor's office and gets checked out. Doctor tells him he's going to die. Guy asks for a second opinion. The doctor says, "Okay, you're ugly, too." Wasn't that funny? I thought it was humorous. Have you ever banged your Humorous? That's not so funny. I don't get why they call it the funny bone. Maybe it has a good sense of humor. I guess everybody does have a little humor in them. And that's the point I'm trying to make.
David Hennessy
King and Tyrant
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